This is not my creation, I found it on the Internet. I have cleaned it a bit for grammar and punctuation and made a few other changes. It is largely as I found it.
Call of Cthulhu Survival Tips
If you just inherited a mansion the previous owner of which went mad, died horribly or simply vanished, never sleep in the master bedroom, explore the un-mapped subterranean caverns nor try to find the source of the night-long insane piping. In fact, don’t even go to the mansion.
Conduct investigations while the sun is above the horizon. The common, but mistaken, notion that night is the proper time for sneaking around and committing B&E is even deadlier than The Thousand-Faced Rotting Bubble Person From Beyond could ever be.
Being illiterate is a good thing.
Always bring a handgun to ensure one of your friends will be in no shape to run when your group is chased by outer-dimensional hunting creatures.
Never become good friends with university professors. They are the living embodiment of trouble. In fact, watch out for people who’s job is to read books: specifically old books, or tomes as they like to call them. They always want help after summoning The Horrible Horror with a Shady Reputation. Helping them will get you dead right quick or, at the very least, insane. Surreal happenings or outer-dimensional summoning may be commonplace in their lives-best to not make it so in yours.
Never date women who refer to themselves as cat-persons. Cuddly or not, the Cats From Saturn be damned!
Never go abroad. If for any reason you have to, do not go as a crew member for an expedition.
Egypt and Antarctica kill more Investigators every year then cancer.
Always bring explosives: not pansy explosives like grenades. Bring bundles of TNT. Going to your cousin’s wedding? Great; just remember to bring the TNT. It’s good for so many things, like blowing up blasphemous temples or horrible proto-masses. Failing that, it makes great firewood for your final bonfire.
Never join a cult, sect, “alternative religion,” “group of seekers,” or previously unheard of “fraternal organization.”
Curiosity did not kill the cat. Some unspeakable horror did. Not only that, it turned the cat inside out, made pseudopods grow from every orifice, gave it a taste for human blood and made it six times larger than before. Now the cat is coming for you.
Stay well away from mountain cabins; they are all inhabited by the obligatory psychopath. Some cabin realtors exchange the psychopath for an Unknown Horror Existing in Far Too Many Dimensions.
Do not live in England or New England. In fact, move to Sweden, where Mythos activity seems virtually non-existent.
Avoid anything associated with the words ancient, elder or forgotten.
My name is CthulhuBob Lovely, I live in my childhood hometown of Columbus, Ohio, and have a son and two daughters. I volunteer at MisCon, which occurs each year on Memorial Day Weekend in Missoula, Montana and help out at other shows.
In my younger years I had seen H.P. Lovecraft’s books in the collection of my older brother, Brian, who is also responsible for introducing me to Monty Python, Star Wars and many other things geek.
I began running and playing Dungeons and Dragons in 1977 at the age of 15, and Call of Cthulhu since its original publication in 1981.
I believe geekery and gaming can have positive effects on math, reading and writing, and social interaction skills, as well as family togetherness. I have three published stories online at
http://www.bewilderingstories.com/bios/lovely_bob_bio.html
