October 29th: Vagina Dentata

Sarlacc Pitt stand in for Vagina Dentata

To avoid showing inappropriate content on the site, we present this Sarlacc pit as a visual comparison.

What you see there is Hine-nui, flashing where the sky meets the earth. Her body is like a woman’s, but the pupils of her eyes are greenstone and her hair is kelp. Her mouth is that of a barracuda, and in the place where men enter her she has sharp teeth of obsidian and greenstone.

– Antony Alpers, Maori Myths and Tribal Legends

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Zzzzt

Arkham Public School System
Puberty and Sex Education Series
Vol. 9

Zzzzt

Welcome to another edition of Stranger in My Body!, Arkham Public Schools’ special series on surviving adolescence and all the crazy changes it brings. Growing up can be scary. But we’re here to help you understand and survive your way to adulthood. Speaking of which, let’s check on our friend Billy. As you recall in last week’s episode, Billy gained the courage to ask pretty Sally Jenkins out thanks to the confidence he gained from Beating Demons in the Bathroom (Vol 8).

And there he is strolling on the school grounds with his girl Sally. Aw, she just gave him a peck on the check before heading off to her study group. Let’s check in. Hey there, Billy!

Billy: “Oh, it’s you again! Hi there, Mister. “

Haha, oh Billy. Chipper as ever. How are you doing this fine day? Are things going well with Sally?

Billy: “They sure are! In fact, I even asked Sally to the Homecoming Dance, and she said yes. We’ve been going steady for some time, and you know what? I think the night of the dance we’re going to—”*wink* “—take it to the next step.”

Wow, that’s great, Billy! However, there are some very important lessons you might want to learn before taking it to the next step. You may want to sit down for this. There you go. Now tell me, what do you know about vagina dentata?

Billy: “Vagina dentata? What’s that?”

That’s what I’m here to teach you! As you know, girls go through as many changes as boys when entering their formative years. However, some go through more changes than others. The legend of vagina dentata exists in the lore of a plethora of cultures throughout time, even though they are completely distinct and isolated from one another. The reason this happens is because it’s true.

In addition to changes you learned about in health class, a set of sharp teeth grow behind the entrance the vagina. The entry point works as a fully-functional clamping, ripping, tearing, gnashing, severing mouth.

Billy: “But that doesn’t mean that Sally—”

Has Sally introduced you to her parents yet—how about her dad?

Billy: “I’ve met Mrs. Jenkins, but her father died before she was born. . . . Oh.”

Consciously or no, anything even slightly unwanted that passes through it will be immediately bitten and torn into. It can also snap later if a performance is lower than expectations. Like many other muscles, it can be conditioned for more controlled use with time and practice.

Billy: “But…but what can I do? What can I do to protect myself?”

Well, there’s really nothing you can do. You can first try for third base if you don’t mind losing a finger. Remember, if you have to make a pick, lose a finger before a dick. Good luck, Billy!

[ARKHAM SEX EDUCATION SERIES VOL 9. – REDACTED/ UNAVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC]

 

Vagina Dentata – Female Human Add-on

STR (3d6)
CON (3d6)
SIZ (2d6+6)
INT (2d6+6)
POW (3d6)
DEX (3d6)
APP (3d6)
EDU 3d6+3
HP (CON+SIZE)/2

Damage Bonus: +3d6*
Weapons: Bite (98%) Auto-critical.*

*Special requirements to make attack. Limb-severing on a roll below 50%.

Spells: None inherent

Skills: Choose average human skills. Also Grapple 90 %.

Sanity lost: On seeing gnashing vagina dentata 1/1d6

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